Love Is…Agapa (2/5)

Love is…

“agapa”  Expanded….

1 John 2:9-10(ESV)
⁹Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. 
¹⁰Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him^£ there is no cause for stumbling. 

John uses strong words in what he thinks love is.  The Greek-speaking Jews chose to express the love between God and His covenant people – the verb  agapao and the noun agape.

While the other loves are based on warm feeling, agape is ‘an intelligent, purposeful attitude of esteem and devotion’ – ‘a selfless, purposeful, outgoing attitude that desires to do good to the one loved.’  In secular Greek it represented a love in which the mind analyzes and the will chooses the object to be loved.  Thus it is not a term wholly given to emotion, but it involves the whole man, emotions, intellect, and will.  Agape is a deliberate, free act that is the decision of the subject rather than the result of unbidden, overpowering emotion.

The various Greek Words:

Phileo, Philia –  a foundness among friends and relatives

Stergo, storge – an affection between parent and child

Ereo, eros  –  is passion between lovers

Agapao, agape – an intelligent, purposeful attitude of esteem and devotion’ – ‘a selfless, purposeful, outgoing attitude that desires to do well to the one loved.

Application to marriage:

When one understand that ‘agape’ love is the kind of love that makes a decision to “love” (marry) that person.  Before that decision the person has made a ‘construct’ of the person he loves via a process of learning about the person, sharing activities together and more.  Through that process we build a desire to want to spend the rest of our lives with her.  We seek after each other’s company because we just enjoy being together.

God gives us our wife so that together we can be molded in His image.  Meaning that God intends for the marriage to be the place where each one in that union helps the other grow spiritually.  A couple is to grow ‘in the light’.  The ‘light’ being the ‘word of God’ that will instruct and cause changes when we listen and obey.   Principle at:  1 Corinthians 7:14 (ESV) – For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

In dating our goal is to understand each other better.  During this process we do it in “a selfless, purposeful, outgoing attitude” that drives our actions toward our spouse.  As we learn more about here we take steps to support her endeavors.  To support her goals so she can strive after the things she wants to improve about self.  We wouldn’t want to be selfish and peruse things only toward our own ambitions or goals in life.  We’d want to learn about each other’s visions that they have for themselves prior to marriage and then become partners in working together.      (Caution:   When younger it is harder to sometime understand our own goals and aspirations.  There is a tendency to be ‘idealistic’.  Lack of experience does not allow us a deep an understanding of self.  I recommend one to ‘journal’ on it, but to open up with exposed ended questions to write an answer for.   Examples: “If I could do anything at all, what would I like to see done?”  “If I could be anyone whom would that be and why?”)

When we enter a ‘marriage’ convenient we are expressing that desire to share life together as we have learned to enjoy each other’s presence.  We want to be there for each other.  We want our life to be encircled with that person.  We want to spend time together and finding ourselves in peace when just are even ‘silent’ while together.   

The problem is that some when we want to make define ‘love’ as a feeling.  That we need to be having a 24/7 feeling of ‘ecstasy’ we felt while dating and the time we started our lives together.  Is this ‘ecstasy’ a false feeling?  No!  It is a feeling.  It is something enjoyed and desirous to have.   Thus we work toward reviving that.   

Still we need to recognize that as a ‘feeling’ it will not have an intelligence behind its action.  Does it maintain itself?  Is it aware of why it operates in us?  Does a feeling maintain itself over time?    No, because it is a feeling it will wax and wane.  Following are a couple of illustrations on how ‘feelings’ behave:

Example 1:  “Being happy” or “happiness”  is a feeling and we frequently experience it.  We can repeatedly identify why we are happy.  Since we did enjoy the feeling of happiness we will look forward to its return.  Sometime pursue things that from past experience we know that we are happy doing things such as: attending a football game, hunting, bowling, or an opera (?). 

Example 2:  “Anger” is a feeling, but we generally wouldn’t seek after it.  When present it does take over and can display some unwelcomed behavior.  However, it does leave and we generally don’t go looking for another opportunity to be angry.  Instead we enjoy the ‘peace’ within self because of its absence.

Feelings and emotions are not necessarily wrong or right as they are part of us.  They can give us grief or happiness.  They are things that we have to recognize and handle. They are ‘signals’ to make us aware and/or enrich us.   Example:  “Fear” is something that can aid us to avoid danger or know when near.  “Love” is something that can motivate positive actions toward another person and bring great pleasure.   

If we define “Love” as a “feeling” then we would be saying that it is an emotion that is temporary as other feelings are known to be such.  Feelings don’t last.  Feelings aren’t always rational.  Feelings can be sought after or avoided.  The problem is that the feelings we had while dating was not lasting love, but an ‘in love’ surge.  Pleasant as it was. we need to now search for a more lasting bond between us.  This bond is “agapa” love as God tells us of his ever existing love for us.  Living our lives with an awareness of God’s Love we will find contentment.    (Mark 12:30–31 (ESV)   And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”)

If we base our marriage on a feeling then we will find ourselves all over the place in the process of life.  After being married for a few months or years we question what next?  We no longer have the feelings we had during courtship or in the beginning marriage months/years.  A problem can be as some may develop dissatisfaction or emptiness in their life.  Some even go so far as to go looking elsewhere. YET – some will decide to pray asking for God’s help.  God is always ready to help us as He is always there for us.  We look to God to show us the meaning of “love”.  That God will help us apply that true meaning in our lives.  As we do this we come to a conclusion that we need to daily make a decision that we love our spouse and act accordingly.  Just like we daily need to acknowledge that we love our God and follow His guide, the Bible.

When we act according to God’s plan then the other three types of ‘love’ will occur when appropriate.  They would be the natural outcome of using “agapa” (a decision) love in our marriage. 

The love of “Stergo, storge – is identified as an affection between parent and child.  However, to show that type of love it still takes a decision to do so.  It is not an automatic occurrence because of fathering a child.   If that was the case we may not see the many broken families or absentee fathers that are in many of the children’s lives today. 

Instead this type of love (Storge) is still one that requires one to make a decision to love our child and work for their behalf.  We frequently make that a “play if forward love” in that we send it without demanding a return.  The love is given freely and generously to our children and one that doesn’t seek a ‘return on our investment’ – meaning we give an “unconditional” love.  God give us His unconditional love.  Sometime we manage to do that for our children, but have a hard time in extending that grace to our spouse.  It might be an important educational process to review how we love/treat our children in comparison to our wife.

In our relationships with our spouse we tend to expect a ‘return on our investment’ meaning that when we do something nice we want ‘recognition’.  When we give a display of affection, we want a return.  Are we missing the boat here?  Is “agapa” love one extended with strings attached?  Do we perform as a ‘good husband’ only for the reward of ‘well done’  (as Christ said “Well done good and faithful servant…”  Matthew 25:21)?

Bottom line:   We want to recognize the word “love” carries a meaning in this world that states “Love is a feeling” – however, God’s Word shows that in order to have ‘love’ one must have chosen it and acted accordingly.    John 10:17 (ESV) – For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again.   John 14:15 (ESV) “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. John 14:23 (ESV) Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

LOVE is an “action”, not a feeling.

We might think of this statement:  “It is better to have a relationship with God than to get blessings.”  Do we have a ‘relationship’ with our spouse?  Get that first and then the rest just happens.