Love Is…Respect (5/5)

Love Is – Respect

Is ‘respect’ to be something your spouse must earn before you give respect to them?

Is ‘respect’ something that your spouse does not have to earn in order to receive it from you?

In our brokenness we frequently want to wait for the other person to do their God given responsibility first.  Meaning, when my wife shows me ‘respect’ I’ll return ‘love’.  We postpone taking positive action toward correcting the situation by wanting the other person to act first.   They are to do their God given assigned task of ‘submission’ first. 

What are we really saying when we do that?  Are we not saying that we refuse to do as God asks until another person does what they are to do in a relationship.  We might even pray that God would help our spouse to overcome her problem.  It is almost like a barter situation where we pray to God and say that I’ll do this for you if you do that for me. 

Another point to remember is that God has assigned the man to be the leader in the house.  If he decides to wait for the wife to act, he is really stepping out of the lead role.  He is out of step with God’s plan.  When we act contrary to God’s plan things are not going to be blessed by God.  It would not put us in a place where God’s spirit would be helping us. 

Respect starts with one’s attitude toward one’s wife and situation.  It does not indicate that we agree with our spouse on everything, but we will give them the freedom to be an individual.  We need to show respect for the other’s opinion.  Flinging curt remarks as;  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”  “You call that logic, I call it insanity.“ – and more  

Those types of remarks do not show the respect of how to treat any human and this is our wife we’re speaking too.  We need to allow our wife to be the person God created her to be.  We would not want to argue to the point of trying to get compliance   would be disrespectful of her ‘personhood’.  We need to look for the God given giftedness in her. 

It is okay to say that we don’t agree with our wife.  We speak in a manner to try and understand things from her point of view.  We should not try to be the ‘winner’, but to be a part of ‘the team’ (your marriage).  It is winning, but agreement that is to be sought at time of disagreement. 

What role does each person’s unique personality play in our life together?  How does God use the differences in a marriage?  Following is an excerpt taken from: Keefauver, L., & Keefauver, J. (2002). Seventy-seven irrefutable truths of marriage

Often couples are initially attracted to one another by the unique personality of the other person. As time passes, however, the very uniqueness that attracted them now become an irritant that threatens to divide and create strife.

Our personalities are often the sandpaper that God uses to smooth our mates’ rough edges. We have observed how the irritation of sand can produce a pearl in an oyster. God is producing something precious in your marriage as your personalities “rub against” one another.

Value your mate’s extroversion while your spouse respects your introversion.

Learn from a spouse’s visionary preferences as that mate benefits from your focus on details.

Benefit from your spouse’s feelings and emotion when you can get beyond your thoughts and logic.

Enjoy a mate’s spontaneity even as your spouse will be helped by your organization and structure.

Try this: Take a personality inventory or temperament survey. A valuable resource is Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey. Share with your mate what traits you cherish and value in their personality.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Rom. 15:7 NIV

From the same source this series of statements of the ‘rights’ we claim to have:

Some mates believe they have certain rights and entitlements in marriage.The best place to dump your imagined rights isn’t on your spouse; it’s at the foot of the cross. Try this: If we have any indisputable rights in marriage, they are as follows. Say to your mate:

The Marriage Bill of Rights

I have the right to encourage you daily.

I have the right to build you up, not tear you down.

I have the right to affirm you every time you succeed.

I have the right to encourage you every time you win or lose.

I have the right to comfort you when you hurt.

I have the right to protect you when you are attacked.

I have right to pray for you without ceasing.

I have the right to defend you from every weapon formed against you.

I have the right to esteem and honor you.

I have the right to pick you up when you fall.

I have the right to speak life to you.

I have the right to love you unconditionally.

I have the right to respect you in front of others.

I have the right to find out your needs and meet them and to diagnose your hurts and heal them.

I have the right to serve you at any time.

I have the right to ask God to give you wisdom.

I have the right to bless you.

So encourage each other to build each other up, just as you are already doing.

1 Thess. 5:11 TLB